My children are always asking me how big I am. Day in day out they ask me "how many centimeters" "how many centimeters." They've probably heard from their friends just how big Westerners are, but since I've been at school, the children just can't help but admire my length and girth. Of course I'm talking about my height, standing at 6'3" and quite broad (read fatty still hasn't lost his beer belly) kids often fall silent when I walk into a room. Either that or they stare, slack-jawed at, what I like to assume is the tallest man they've ever met. Now, Japanese children are notorious for being shy, and many of them are, but as you may have guessed from the title, many of them have interests that could at best be described as eclectic and at worst as downright perverted.
I was sat eating the school lunch with some of my 6th year elementary school children, i.e. 11&12 year olds. The desks in all Japanese schools are notoriously small, so Godzilla here has to either sit spread-eagled and risk being entered onto the sex offenders register or balance my desk on my knees and watch as my miso soup spills into my green tea. So we sat there making small talk, about Dragonball Z or whatever anime was on the boy next to me's pencil case, let’s call him Oedipus (for reasons that shall become clear later). I started talking about my beard (now dearly departed) and asked young Oedipus if his father had a beard. Oedipus said his father didn't have a beard, but he did have a very hairy penis. I spat out my green tea in shock. Oedipus burst out into fits of giggles but in between chuckles he managed to ask me whether I had a hairy penis. I tried my best to pretend I hadn't heard the question, but the boys on the table were having none of it. The girls naturally rolled their eyes, "boys are such children" one said. It was then that Oedipus' friend opposite him asked me in an absolutely deadpan fashion "Tom, how long is your penis?"
That was it. "Hey, what do you think are you saying" I replied, well the Japanese equivalent, and I'd like to say that was the end of that, but when the time came around for my next lesson with them in which the children drew monsters according to my English instructions, lo and behold, Oedipus and his friends had all drawn penises on their monsters. Oh well, at least they didn't try to stick their fingers up my arse. Oh wait, they did that too.
