It’s gotten much colder here in Japan. However, I feel I must stress the relativity of Japanese conceptions of cold; in Japan, it’s cold when you have to wear a jacket, whereas in Northern England, it was cold when it became hazardous to kiss someone lest your lips get frozen together. As oddly temperate as Japanese cold weather seems, mainland Japan seems to neglect to install any radiators, insulation or even close the windows in its school classrooms or corridors. In fact the only place which has those things is the staff room, where we also have a coffee machine. This has lead to fantasies of sipping a cafe au lait, laughing, whilst the Japanese waifs and urchins outside press their noses against the window, silently sobbing wishing only for more gruel.
It was on one such brisk morning that I strode into one of my lessons, wrapped up in a sweater and feeling a little tired from another sleepless night getting eaten alive by mosquitoes. In acknowledgement of this cold weather, the teacher ordered the children to close the window. Clambering over the bookshelves and desks three of the boys prompted started to struggle to close the window, which was above the door to the classroom. Feeling every inch the symbol of masculinity and physical strength the gaijin is supposed to be, I brushed the students aside and proceeded to show the children how it’s done. Placing one hand on the window, it promptly fell out of the rail and fell, frame and all, on the floor outside the classroom.
As there was no immediate sound of broken glass, I was optimistic, but after closer inspection it was revealed to be in worse condition than the re-election prospects of the Lib Dems. Sheepishly I walked back into class, pride shattered. As a third teacher came to clean up my mess, I endeavoured through a mixture of professionalism and sheer pomposity to carry on with a normal lesson and ignore the white elephant in the room. Unfortunately I chose this moment to smack my head on the metal bracket encasing the enclosed T.V. Normally, low-flying T.V.s aren’t really a problem in Japan, but then again, there are precious few Japanese people over 6’.
After a hard day’s work self-harming and vandalising school property I arrived home only to smack my head on a door frame. I’m thankful that I’m not into the habit of leaving discarded banana peels around my apartment, because the universe would not be able to tolerate such high concentrations of clichéd slapstick, and I’m sure I would have received some form of divine retribution. Still it was good practice for when the economy falls through completely and I have to persue a career as a circus clown. Now I just need to learn how to terrify young children...
